Be the person you’d like to meet

The purpose of human interaction is reciprocity.”— Silvia Bastos on Medium.com

 

I thought I’d try something different this week. Something useful, but on a lighter side.

 

Let’s take a look at an often-uncomfortable practice we all do nearly every day.

 

At a skill that most of us would really like to improve…

Kicking off a conversation with a person you’ve just met.

How do you start a great conversation? How do you keep it going? How do you even get going on the small talk, let alone the meaty stuff?

We all know someone who’s a great conversationalist. They naturally get an exchange going with whomever they’re talking with without the tiniest struggle.

By the way, that’s one of the secrets… they talk with people rather than to people.

But there’s this huge bucket for the rest of us, sometimes we do well and a bunch of other times it’s just a lot of work.

I’m not alone here, am I?

I’ve been working on this for, well… most of my life. I am by no means good at it, not even close. When I click with someone, no problem.

If we’re not in the same biosphere, it’s just not happening.

However, I’ve come across a few nuggets along the way that have helped. Plus, one that I’m wanting to try out.

What I’ve learned recently that helps a bunch —

• If you’re worried about what they’re thinking of you… Don’t be. Because odds are they’re not— they’re thinking about themselves. It’s what people do.
• Small talk and social interactions are all about giving and receiving. We humans need to be listened to and appreciated. Remember, listening is a conversational superpower.

It’s in the questions you ask. Here are some good ones…

• Just to break the ice… “What’s going on?” or “So, how’s it going?” It’s an everyday, friendly question they have to respond to. In the right setting, “What are you driking?” works well too.
• “What have you been up to lately?” Just a good, friendly question.
• “How do you know Keith and Sarah?” If you’re at someone’s home, the hosts are always a source of common ground.
• Everybody gets into trouble now and then, so why not, “What kind of trouble are you getting into tonight?” fits a lot of situations. And it’s less intrusive than “What are you doing tonight?”

 

But, lose the old, tired scripted ones…

• “What was the highlight of your day?” Sounds dorky, doesn’t it? Try instead, “So, what happed today?” or “What did you do today?”
• “What’s your story?” This one was making it’s rounds a few years ago. Talk about putting someone on the spot. It may become appropriate at the right moment, well into the conversation… after you’ve discovered some common ground.
• “Seen any good movies?” C’mon, good movies? It’s just old. Maybe in a pinch.
• “Do you have a project you’re working on?” It’s too scripted unless you’ve discovered that you’re both into the same thing. Then try, “Do you have a project going now?”
• “Has anything exciting come up in your life?” This is a dangerous question. What if the answer is, “No, nothing in almost eighteen years.” Now you hope to remember your best exit lines, and we’re not covering those in this post.

 

Here are some “drawing-out” questions to have in your hip pocket to use to keep a conversation going…

• How does that work?
• Tell me more about that.
• But, what do you think?
• How do you feel about that?

 Was that helpful? I hope so…

Now for the Granddaddy of them all…

The dreaded “So, what do you do?” question.

Do you dislike that one as much as I do? It’s a crutch and it’s overused.

That’s why I’ve saved it for last. It feels like a question with questions behind the question. Because it is.

What’s your job? Should I be impressed? It’s the equivalent of a conversational measuring stick.

My distaste for this question goes back to a time when I didn’t like what I was doing. I felt like I was at stuck in a job that wasn’t going anywhere for me. And, it always showed in my answer.

As a defense mechanism, I started experimenting with slight variations of the question. Something I would do my best to ask first, hoping they would reciprocate.

It’s a version that gives people a little more leeway in how they answer.

“So, what are you working on these days?”

That question can be answered a lot of different ways. It doesn’t automatically point to their job.

They could tell you about a project they’ve got going at home. Or, they could tell you about a class they’re taking that’s a real passion of theirs.

It gives them the chance to share the best part of themselves with you, whether it’s their career or something else entirely.

Try it, see where it goes.

Now for the finale—

I saw this last question on Quora.com this past week. It’s what got me thinking about writing this post. I’m going to be trying it out.

What are you doing this weekend, anything fun?” —Mira Rose on Quora

Simple enough? So maybe it won’t work so well on Monday or Tuesday. But it’s real. Mira promises it’s her best question.

And, I’ll wrap it up with the wisest thing I’ve heard lately about talking to people…

There’s no one better to talk to than the person you’re talking to right now”—Stu McLaren, internet marketing guy

It’s a good one to remember, don’t you think?

 

Thank you for being part of the LifeUntucked community.

If you enjoyed this post, do me a favor and share it with a friend. I owe you one…